6am Ramblings

The lack of sleep and appetite is starting to take It’s toll. Once it starts to physically show it’s obviously much harder to hide, to allow you to continue with your daily commitments.
The “You look tired” “Are you sick” comments start and you start to try and think of reasons why because you can’t turn around and say ” I haven’t slept in two days or eaten and I’m having extreme panic/anxiety attacks while trying to work and function like every other human. So yeah I’m tired”.
The “yeah I must be sick” becomes the go to once denial stops working. Then sickness does come because there’s only so much your body can withstand.
You end up having to take time off work, one of the main things you were trying to avoid.
Back to the doctor and maybe, no definitely, a change in meds while on anti biotics.
Then back to work while trying to physically recover and mentally. While also gain control with the new meds.
It’s a viscous circle and I am there now, like I have been so many times.
Like most of us have.
Work and push it away so you can get what you and your loved ones need, only ending up hurting yourself and them.
But you can’t do less because your used to doing it all and the stick comes out and you beat yourself with “I’m Useless” “I’m Lazy”. When really we are just different.
Capable of incredible, unimaginable things and also challenged with illness. This is what makes us unbreakable, a force to be reckoned with.
We will slip and fall. But we will get back up and eventually be where we need to be. Happy.
Mental Illness or not It’s what we all want. Happiness.
Of course financial stability would lighten the burden too!


I Think It’s Time To Start Letting It Out

Lets start slow because It’s a heavy subject but let’s talk about it, Rape.
The word is like nails to a chalkboard to me.

I’m really struggling lately, hence the absence. Alot going on in life, same as most people, and I’ve been triggered once again., I tried to ignore it and pretend it will pass. However as usual I’ve let it get to the point where I can barely function.
I don’t think it’s something we get over, we hide, try to forget push it away but it’s always there. I have ran for 7 years now, away from trying to face it head on. I’m tired and it seems to be just gaining more momentum. I’ve been dealing with the other aspects of my illness but this makes me sick to think about and I have not yet developed the tools to do so.

I’m terrified to go back to counselling and start the process, but the triggers are every few hours lately, so intense that I’m back to thinking this will be my entire existence. Que the intense side affects. Looking over my shoulder, suffering with depression, chronic anxiety, insomnia, mood swings, tears and more tears, not being able to eat. nightmares the list goes on and one. Somedays I can’t leave my own home, the panic overcomes me like a swarm of bees. The days were I have to go to work and try and function. Instead living the life of a victim some may say.

But I’m not a victim none of us are. We are amazing resilient humans who survived and even though we got dealt with so many of lives negative hands. I do believe our day will come. This will all be worth it. The smiles we plaster on our faces daily will soon be real. One day we will get through the day without looking over our shoulder, without having a flashback caused by a normal mundane daily task.

To the attackers who still roam the streets, to the ones we still see, to the ones re offending your day will come too. Justice may not be on our side right not but Karma is a bitch. You will not live out your days happily while we suffer and try rebuild the part of us you stole away and throw in the bin without a second thought.

We cannot get that exact part back. Never, you took it forever. All we can do is fill the other gaps in our soul and hope we can live with the you shaped gap in there. Fill it up so much that you no longer can be seen or heard.

We may not feel as though we are living right now but we will get there.
I have so much to say on this but I’m keeping it short for now.

Survivors please reach out to a parent, a friend, a teacher, a relative or even me.
You are not your assault, you are you.

We can and Will do this, I promise ❤

#rape #sexualattack #trauma #survivor #notavictim #womenhelpingwomen #mybodymychoice #menhelpingmen #nomeansno #consent

An Enemy I Thought I Defeated

This loss has triggered something in me.

Trauma that I thought was at bay has started to haunt me. I worked so hard I thought I was in charge now. How wrong I was.

Again when I close my eyes the flashbacks begin. This time more detailed, so graphic I feel sick. So I can’t sleep, I can’t be still, I can barely leave the house.

Trauma was no stranger to me but this event was the ending of me. The me I knew.

My trust in people had been tryed and tested many a time but I always felt everyone deserved their own chance, even though it didn’t always end well. Not that I was stupid, still very aware towards people and about myself. A talent that had become second nature due to past events. Also however a talent I realised you never truly master as long as you can keep your faith in humanity. You just have to become smarter. Much smarter.

So maybe I had a moment of stupidity and put my trust in a situation where I shouldn’t have. Maybe I’m human and made a bad judgement call. Maybe I had little to no choice in that situation. Maybe what happened was the lesser of two evils.

The people who know the story, what I have choosen to share (gory details can stay with me) tell me how lucky I am that I got out. That they always are so grateful I  got out alive.

But the aftermath, the authorities, the emotional turmoil, the regression on my mental health, the physical sickness, the lack to no sleep, the change in my lifestyle, work, sometimes I wonder is this better?

Not that I wanted apart of me stolen and gotten rid of like a meaningless object. I often think of that and scare the shit out of myself because it could have went that way easily. I was attacked but I survived, I thought, I planned, I fought, I ran. But I still feel like I was used and disposed of like an object. Still alive but still meaningless.

I got no justice. I never will . Not with this. I am to blame regarding some of the reasons why. After hours of appalling police work, handling of the situation and treatment of a teenager. I just wanted home, I was working away at the time. I was a teenager no more. I had worries I never thought I would have, had to do tests I never thought would be in my life. I was free no more. I felt like I couldn’t fight another day.

We are not believed. We are quizzed as If we are the attackers. We are ridiculed. We are “liars”, “attention seekers, “sluts” and so much more.

We do not need your judgemental looks, questions and rumours. We need support.

You do not know our stories. Each one different. Each one carrying trauma that will never leave you. Each one wondering when you will feel like you again.


#sexualassualt #ibelieveher #survivor #warrior #questions #loss #triggers #insomnia #part1ofinfinity



The Complicated Battle Of Friendship

I’ve realized although I’m lucky to have a great bunch of friends that I misunderstood what friendship means to people or in general. I thought it meant things like loyalty, trust, secrets, praise and no bullshit and of course I have your back, you have mine. It’s not that simple at all though. I may sound naive writing this but I expect what I give. Almost an impossible thing to expect. My mom has told me so many times you give what you want to a relationship but never expect the same back because you’ll be disappointed. Harsh reality and shitty but very true. Mom’s always know best we just hate to admit it.

I understand now when people say time means nothing when it comes to knowing someone. I have friends I’ve known more then a decade and only now am I realizing you never really know someone, shit, I know people only a few years and their like my family.

I thought I learned this lesson in an earlier romantic relationship that turned out to be nothing but lies and bullshit. Never did I think my friends fell into that category.

Through the last few years I’ve lost friends I thought I would have standing at the alter with me but I know we grew apart and went separate ways. Never in a million years did I think the people I would trust with my life now would fall short of my expectations of a true friend. One of my “People”.

People have many friends but I’m speaking about that close group that you would die for and they would for you and are your non paid therapists, as are you for them. Love without any doubt or judgement.

Recently I have put my “been too aware” to a certain area in my life The people around me. I’ve learnt so much, I’ve been so happy, so hurt and so confused. I’ve seen “my people” lie to my face, lie about me to others but come back again and retract it. I’ve seen “my people” do awful things to me and others. I’ve seen them lie through their teeth. My “people” are the humans that are my life. You may be reading this saying their not your people if this is what happens! But their human, just like you or I. I love them. They may lie and do things I’m not happy with but they would take a bullet for me in a heartbeat, their there when I need them the most, when I don’t even know I need them. They make me feel so special and happy and I feel lucky every day to have them, even though their flawed. Guess what so am I. Very much so and they accept me warts and all. It’s shown me those few individuals no matter what, have my back. They have a problem or hear something like “he said, she said”? We sort it like adults. Someone talking shit about me? Their not having it and they don’t care if they upset someones opinion because they know me and they know who they are. Just like I would do for them. No money? I got your back and you have mine. Something happens between any of us we talk and get the fuck over it because at the end of the day we are all human and fuck up and most importantly we love each other on a level I don’t know if you could find in your life partner.

So the people that I’ve seen lie or doubt me as a human recently I’ve found a way to accept it. They have doubts, issues just the same as I do. They are still one of the most important things to me and I wouldn’t throw away a lifetime of love for a momentary lapse in judgement.
Now it would be a different thing if you we’re my boyfriend sexing someone up!

I think what I’m trying to say is I’ve realized my bar is very high. I expect nothing but honesty through and through. If I haven’t given it away I’m a very honest/straight out person, to my own determent sometimes. Hello though even I have to white lie every now and then, everyone does. I don’t believe in perfection so I have to stop expecting it from people. I’m a walking contradiction if I do. I have to love, forgive and accept my people warts and all, like they do for me.

We are all perfectly imperfect and I love them for it.

#friendship #wartsandall #reality #acceptance #truth #lies #inbetween #human #lowerthefuckingbargirl #lifeiswhatwewant

I’m Exhausted


So I’ve been AWOL for a while. I don’t feel the need to speak openly in detail about it yet, maybe I will in my future posts.

Before this ever happened I could feel myself slipping. Slipping back down the slide I know too well. I’ve learned how to grab the edges and climb up and out of these, but not when they are this severe and strong. I don’t know if it’s strength or size they have grown in, whichever they have me overpowered. Nothing seems to keep them away, they are relentless in their pursuit of my mind. No matter how many times I switch up the path or use my old and new skills to fight them off, they have bigger better plans and skills. They have perfected these by raided the minds of millions, so what chance do I have?

Someone I loved very dearly is now gone from this planet. A pain I’m familiar with (this one had an extra punch to the heart) and one I hope I never have to live through again, but I will, we all will. The “circle of life” as they say. It got me thinking if we all live to our lives capacity and full age then we will have to say goodbye to everyone that’s older then ourselves, the ones who we hold nearest and dearest and I can’t imagine a world when I’ll accept this. I’ll continue to live but I can’t vouch for how my quality of life will be. Right now my quality of live is below standard. I want to make it better but the desire and ambition that usually flows through my blood is no where to be seen or felt.

I’m scared that it won’t come back that I will be stuck here forever. Stuck in these thoughts, feelings emotions. Stuck in a world where money is the enemy and the ruler of all, something I struggle with daily as do many. I spoke about how money does not bring happiness but the lack there of for basic needs brings turmoil. To ask to have enough to pay your bills and put food in the fridge isn’t that much to ask, yet there are people like myself who work hard and struggle with this, there are people who have no home, food or bills and there are people who will never know what it feels like.

There is so many other things happening in life now, all of which are chaotic, strenuous, testing and again I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

For the first time in a while, “I Don’t Care”. I care about my loved ones of course, but with life it makes me anxious because Not Caring is a terrifying feeling. It’s not the Fuck Her/Him  I Don’t Care what they say, I Don’t Care what people think, I Don’t Care I’m late for work etc.
It’s I Don’t Care if I live or die, I don’t care to shower, I don’t care to eat, I don’t care to drink fluids, I don’t care about sleeping, when you do you don’t care about waking up and the list goes on.

People dream about the day when they will not care, but that’s about how they feel about themselves and about what others think. It’s not about not caring about your own well-being. I hope non of ye have to feel this over and over again. To those that do I salute you in your strength and bravery because this isn’t something your thought it’s something you live through and learn from.

Now more then ever I feel as though I need help. I’m drowning and I’m affecting people as this happens. Something I do not want to do to anyone. So yes Suicidal thoughts creep in and creep back out, how it would be better for them if I was gone, how this pain I feel would be gone, my problems all solved. Mine not theirs, I would create a new hell on earth for my loved ones if I made this choice. They do usually leave me in peace after a while, but lately they won’t leave. I’m trying to tell them their not welcome but they are either after falling deaf or my voice has no power over them right now. I think I’m missing the conviction behind my demand.

Life throws us all curve balls and up hill climbs. I wish they would move on from me and my family. Enough is enough I’ve proved resilience, strength  we all have.

This event has severely triggered my anxiety riddled head and body, dark thoughts, emotions, insomnia, lack of eating, drinking (water) and on. I usually try everything I can to deplete these feelings and thoughts, this time if I try it’s without my full heart or I just don’t see the pint. I was just grasping what was going on in life to my family. Trying to find some meaning or a just cause behind it and then this.

I know it sounds like I rented a violin, but I didn’t this is just really a fraction of what I am feeling.
If life is this painful, I know of course It’s painful but if it’s continuously like this then I do not know where I’ll find enough life jackets to keep me afloat because I’m exhausted.

#loss #grief #anxiety #mentalhealth #depression #help #spillitonthetable #lettheemotionsout #safeplace

At The Edge

So another Doctor change, another change in my “support team”. This injustice and disgusting treatment was witnessed by my mother and change was requested by her. She’s right, this team & the past teams I’ve had around me have been nothing but stress inducing situations when there meant to be the opposite. My nurse who’s meant to be my rock, number one I don’t even speak to, well won’t speak to me. I rang her today and was told not to ring the mobile number, the landline instead,24 hour support on the landline?Lucky to even get through, oh ya even though that’s what I was given on a card by her. She doesn’t answer my texts, or sometimes my calls. My friends nurse calls over for tea and keeps and eye on her and helps her with what she needs help with. I was promised that too, I’ve been promised a lot. I know your not meant to hold your hopes on other’s promises but these were from medical professions. That I thought I could trust I now realize they are faulted humans just like us “scum patients”, maybe even worse. I’ve been seeing a mix of professionals for 11 years in the system, longer outside, you start to think, they have to be nearly there, this doctor will surely help me and not fight me, this medical profession is going to put my mental health first and not their lunch break, they will put me on the referred list and not forget again, they will get my prescription correct and I don’t have to go back to correct it, I won’t leave in a near panic attack I could go on forever. But don’t think any of that. Maybe you’ll be lucky like my friend and get an amazing supportive team. It doesn’t cure her illness but helps her on her path to living a normal life and not doing anything silly in the one she’s in now. Which is amazing and what we strive for. In my opinion this is rare, from my own experience and many people I know.

You can’t be too ill? No. Surely, they can’t not help, this can’t be it?
I’ve had to fight this illness, many situations in my life and the medical system relentlessly to begin and I’m tired. I’m so tired if proving myself, of been pushed to attacks to be believed because I managed to look human and act human for my appointment. This isn’t what they want. You “look fine then”!!!!
I know people that take all their meds before an appointment go in looking scruffy because based on your look you won’t be taken seriously. God Forbid you can make yourself function when you have to be in public. For others benefit not your own.

I don’t think this is going to change, I think this is my life, not in a wah wah way but for some reason the medical model hates me or I hate it. I can’t explain what I’ve experienced with them, they could loose their jobs. The most I’ll get though, an apology and that’s at most. Fixes it all, why thank you, you condescending, contradictory, selfish, lying, hmm let’s stop before I get carried away!

I’ve been at the edge plenty times before and jumped a few but was caught, this time I’m at the edge again, yes loved ones would try catch me but do I want to be caught? I really don’t know in this moment.

#mentalhealth #thinkingoutloud #cryforhelpmaybe #hse #fuckthehse #medicalmodel #deepthoughts #helpme #wordpress #femaleblogger #mentalhealthblogger #newbie #blog #lifestyle

You Gotta be Rich To Get Fixed!


So was at the Head Doctor =P again. Fuck it went well. Ha not. Took a few days to recover.
The appointments are ridiculous your spoken to as if you are a child or your stupid. They just are prescription pad happy but don’t listen to what their patient actually needs.

I said this to her I don’t tend to hold back but I rarely get very angry as I know it’s not all their fault, the system that is, it’s just they could try harder yno? In my experience none have mine have so much as read my files properly.

They send you home worse then you went in to be doped up again with new meds that will affect nearly every aspect of your life if your lucky like me and receive the side effects =). You’ll still have to manage you daily life, with your crippling illness and now these side effects. ” But It’s Only For A Few Weeks”.

Every time I go there anyway I leave feeling worse. Unheard, hopeless and lost. I’ve gone through so many treatments and this is my final stop in the medical model besides being admitted to the ward. Which the one that we have here you come out worse then when you went in. The good ones are up the country and cost serious money! After 11 years they still can’t help me. How soul crushing is that? 11 years! I have attended appointments, counselling everything they ask but I’m still none the wiser and neither are they.

Going to the chemist then I’m treated like a junkie cause of the medication I’m prescribed. I’m a high risk patient with some extreme medication. It’s so embarrassing every time I have to prove I’m sick almost because I don’t look it. While others waltz in and out without a query and I know their getting prescribed “drugs”. I’m sick of it I was told once again I look fine too by the doctor before that. “Looking at you here now you seem great” Wait What?!?!

Do you realize how hard it was for me to get up, shower, get dressed, change, do my face, feed my animals, nevermind feeding yourself your sick with anxiety, leave the house even get that door open like, drive in, go into a public waiting room with strangers and wait and hour and a half for 5 minutes of chat from my “Doctor”.
I said “What? Just because I look okay I must be okay is it? That’s bullshit, how am I meant to look?” “If I go break my arm I’ll be given whatever I need no questions asked”.
Visible illness oh how It’s different to invisible illness.

My mother even came with me because she’s been on this journey with me and wanted to attend, which I was glad of being honest, she wants me out and I think she’s right. She came to prove I’m not some junkie or some perfect fixed patient. The doctor drove me to a near panic attack like thankfully my mom was there.

They diagnosed me after testing me like some experiment and sending me on my way with this new label and new meds. I’ve been suffering for as long as I can remember and just because I learned how to hide my feelings I’m not ill? Because I like so many more can paint the smile on till the day ends we should be punished? Because even though It’s near impossible we go to work we should be punished? No! No! No!

How fucked up is this country? I actually have had Doctors LIE, LIE about results, meds and other things. You’d be lucky to get an apology and they still get to “help” others then too. They fuck us up more, labels, med swapping etc. Must I prove my Illness by showing up how I actually feel? and go in all doped up take all my meds and be a zombie before my appointment?

I am a functional Patient. With chronic illness’, you tell me why that makes me less entitled for help cause I don’t get that.

I think I have to go another way. I just don’t know what way that is, I just know been in this system isn’t working and hasn’t been for a long time. I believe in the medical model to a certain extent. I would rather go alternative but that means money alot of the time which right now isn’t something that’s hanging around! =P

#gottaberichtobefixed #hse #corruption #hsecorruption #ireland #mentalhealth #labels #fuckedup #sickofit #femalebloggers #meds ‘meltdowns #strength #somethingsgottachange

We Still Live In The Past, Women’s Rights? Women’s What?

I need to be concentrating on how to be thrifty and smart and make some extra dosh to survive but instead I’m wrecked by my Illness and all that’s going on around me.

It really does all happen at once, the rain has been pouring for a while on my family and I and I just hope we are due sunshine soon. If these life challenges were to prove resilience I think we passed. We good now thank you!

I’m not sitting waiting on life justice but I just hope the tides turn. It got me thinking about the injustice some of us have experience in our lives. So many, some that cost lives.

You can get stuck on them and think it’s not fair it could have been so different. But that could be the cause for many situations.

What’s sticking in my head is the corruption in the hospital & legal system in an area ( not taking away from the amazing doctors, nurses etc that work their ass off for us). It comes from a higher power, and women’s injustice. Especially in sexual attacks.

Not much has changed in the last few decades. Yes we can report and look for justice in the legal system but it ends up with more trauma, court, invasive evidence and been treated like the criminal not the survivor. By the legal system, friends, family strangers, “What were you wearing?” “Were you drunk?” “Did you lead him on?” “You liked him though?” “He’s a catch you should be delighted!” “Was it unwanted though?” “Did you say no?”. Of course I said No! Even if I was drunk naked on the floor it gives no right for a man to decide I want to have sex with them! That is and always will be my choice. The situations that these happen under are so much more in depth and traumatizing then you could imagine so please don’t brush it off as if it was a bad date for the person.

Some people have to see their attackers in real life regularly, some see them every time they close their eyes. I don’t know what happens for the attackers but for you, the survivor, you lose a piece of yourself, a piece that you’ll never get back. You react to this in so many different ways and that’s okay. None of us have been trained in how to deal with this kind of situation emotionally, neither have the people around us and that’s hard to remember sometimes.

Let me just say, Survivors & Fighters, Not Victims. We may not receive legal justice but we will fight until someday we do.

#womensrights #sexualattack #blogger #fighter #survivor #notavictim #corruptjusticesystem

How Do I Get Back Up This Time?

Back at the beginning again. With the feelings, thoughts and emotions that I finally had some control over, or so I thought.

No I’ll never be cured. But I thought I was finding my triggers catching myself before I fall. This time I’ve fallen hard. So hard I don’t know how to get back up. So much has happened I’m growing older as are the people around me I’m faced with the same as everyone’s daily problems with some extras plus this illness that trys to consume me every chance it gets.

I know everyday is a success but I can’t help feel the more I try the more I fail. Am I destined to live like this? To cause this chaos to those I love? To make them feel as I don’t care when in relaity I can’t even get dressed. So many questions. No answers.

Not from me, family, relatives,friends,professional. What next? What now? Back to the beginning again. When in life will I get to build on and not start from scratch because this illness has won this round again. You work and work and where do you get, suffering, pain , sorrow “character building situations” yeah we’re done in my family with them thank you! Enough character is one of our left pinky to put on a one man show!

Nearly 12 years in this system and I am none the better. I am taking it into my own hands now and I’m gonna put my violin away. I have people in my side but what my possibilities are I do not know, I don’t know how this is gonna turn out but it has to be better then this.

I just know everyday I’m here I’m winning against my demons. I just hope I am strong enough to keep fighting them because I’m starting to feel weak. 


#mentalillness #wordpress #blogger #questions #thoughtoftheweek #scared #keepfighting #wehavetosaveeachother

Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness But It Sure Helps!

I’ve been MIA for a bit. New meds kicking my ass. Situations have happened and got me thinking again about the future.

Trying to find your way, career to get to your desired future is a scary path. It’s filled with payday to payday jobs, questioning choices, rejection, with glimmers of hope sprinkled in between.

I have come to the point, where I’m sure many are at or have been, that enough is enough. We’ve worked hard and keep doing so we deserve to live with food in the fridge every week. I want more. Not in a selfish way in a self deserving way. I don’t expect anything to be handed but when your running on the same spot money wise for as long as you can remember it can become overwhelming. It doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure helps. To have the roof over your head, clothes on your back that aren’t 6 years old, food a bit of walk around money?! Oil when it’s cold?! Cash for petrol?! How dare we consider that. I know people have it alot worse. I am very aware. I’m just having a First World Rant.

This has led to not wanting to except bad wages anymore which means a big change. A change that isn’t easily made. For some reason the more experience you have the less desirable you can appear. You may cost too much!

A living wage. That’s what I think most of us are after. I work for a small business owner right now and I would never put them under the strain to raise my wages. This country is making it expensive enough for them to live. It’s a contradiction in a way maybe.
But if you can pay then you should. You should not be hiring people for less than minimum wage, or crazy hours for awful money or as an apprentice and work them like a dog for €50 extra a week! Ethics and Morals it comes down to I suppose.

The thoughts are racing, how to turn what you love into a viable career?
How to find one working for someone else?
Take a break for a while?
Start a family? That’s a whole other question!
Oh the head, what a place to live! Where’s the Exit?

#blogpost #wordpress #questions #newmeds #rants #career #lifestyle