6am Ramblings

The lack of sleep and appetite is starting to take It’s toll. Once it starts to physically show it’s obviously much harder to hide, to allow you to continue with your daily commitments.
The “You look tired” “Are you sick” comments start and you start to try and think of reasons why because you can’t turn around and say ” I haven’t slept in two days or eaten and I’m having extreme panic/anxiety attacks while trying to work and function like every other human. So yeah I’m tired”.
The “yeah I must be sick” becomes the go to once denial stops working. Then sickness does come because there’s only so much your body can withstand.
You end up having to take time off work, one of the main things you were trying to avoid.
Back to the doctor and maybe, no definitely, a change in meds while on anti biotics.
Then back to work while trying to physically recover and mentally. While also gain control with the new meds.
It’s a viscous circle and I am there now, like I have been so many times.
Like most of us have.
Work and push it away so you can get what you and your loved ones need, only ending up hurting yourself and them.
But you can’t do less because your used to doing it all and the stick comes out and you beat yourself with “I’m Useless” “I’m Lazy”. When really we are just different.
Capable of incredible, unimaginable things and also challenged with illness. This is what makes us unbreakable, a force to be reckoned with.
We will slip and fall. But we will get back up and eventually be where we need to be. Happy.
Mental Illness or not It’s what we all want. Happiness.
Of course financial stability would lighten the burden too!

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