I’ve realized although I’m lucky to have a great bunch of friends that I misunderstood what friendship means to people or in general. I thought it meant things like loyalty, trust, secrets, praise and no bullshit and of course I have your back, you have mine. It’s not that simple at all though. I may sound naive writing this but I expect what I give. Almost an impossible thing to expect. My mom has told me so many times you give what you want to a relationship but never expect the same back because you’ll be disappointed. Harsh reality and shitty but very true. Mom’s always know best we just hate to admit it.
I understand now when people say time means nothing when it comes to knowing someone. I have friends I’ve known more then a decade and only now am I realizing you never really know someone, shit, I know people only a few years and their like my family.
I thought I learned this lesson in an earlier romantic relationship that turned out to be nothing but lies and bullshit. Never did I think my friends fell into that category.
Through the last few years I’ve lost friends I thought I would have standing at the alter with me but I know we grew apart and went separate ways. Never in a million years did I think the people I would trust with my life now would fall short of my expectations of a true friend. One of my “People”.
People have many friends but I’m speaking about that close group that you would die for and they would for you and are your non paid therapists, as are you for them. Love without any doubt or judgement.
Recently I have put my “been too aware” to a certain area in my life The people around me. I’ve learnt so much, I’ve been so happy, so hurt and so confused. I’ve seen “my people” lie to my face, lie about me to others but come back again and retract it. I’ve seen “my people” do awful things to me and others. I’ve seen them lie through their teeth. My “people” are the humans that are my life. You may be reading this saying their not your people if this is what happens! But their human, just like you or I. I love them. They may lie and do things I’m not happy with but they would take a bullet for me in a heartbeat, their there when I need them the most, when I don’t even know I need them. They make me feel so special and happy and I feel lucky every day to have them, even though their flawed. Guess what so am I. Very much so and they accept me warts and all. It’s shown me those few individuals no matter what, have my back. They have a problem or hear something like “he said, she said”? We sort it like adults. Someone talking shit about me? Their not having it and they don’t care if they upset someones opinion because they know me and they know who they are. Just like I would do for them. No money? I got your back and you have mine. Something happens between any of us we talk and get the fuck over it because at the end of the day we are all human and fuck up and most importantly we love each other on a level I don’t know if you could find in your life partner.
So the people that I’ve seen lie or doubt me as a human recently I’ve found a way to accept it. They have doubts, issues just the same as I do. They are still one of the most important things to me and I wouldn’t throw away a lifetime of love for a momentary lapse in judgement.
Now it would be a different thing if you we’re my boyfriend sexing someone up!
I think what I’m trying to say is I’ve realized my bar is very high. I expect nothing but honesty through and through. If I haven’t given it away I’m a very honest/straight out person, to my own determent sometimes. Hello though even I have to white lie every now and then, everyone does. I don’t believe in perfection so I have to stop expecting it from people. I’m a walking contradiction if I do. I have to love, forgive and accept my people warts and all, like they do for me.
We are all perfectly imperfect and I love them for it.