So I’ve been AWOL for a while. I don’t feel the need to speak openly in detail about it yet, maybe I will in my future posts.
Before this ever happened I could feel myself slipping. Slipping back down the slide I know too well. I’ve learned how to grab the edges and climb up usually, but sometimes they are too severe and strong. I don’t know if it’s strength or size they have grown in, whichever they have me overpowered. Nothing seems to keep them away, they are relentless in their pursuit of my mind. No matter how many times I switch up the path or use my old and new skills to fight them off, they have bigger better plans and skills. They have perfected these by raiding the minds of millions, so what chance do I have?
The ambition that ran through my blood, I can no longer feel or even sense.
I’m scared it won’t come back, that I will be stuck here forever. Stuck in these thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Someone I loved very dearly is now gone from this planet. A pain I’m familiar with (this one had an extra punch to the heart) and one I hope I never have to live through again, but I will, we all will. The “circle of life” as they say. It got me thinking if we all live to our lives capacity and full age then we will have to say goodbye to everyone that’s older then ourselves, the ones who we hold nearest and dearest and I can’t imagine a world when I’ll accept this. I’ll continue to live but I can’t vouch for how my quality of life will be. Right now my quality of live is below standard. I want to make it better but the desire and ambition that usually flows through my blood is no where to be seen or felt.
I’m scared that it won’t come back that I will be stuck here forever. Stuck in these thoughts, feelings emotions. Stuck in a world where money is the enemy and the ruler of all, something I struggle with daily as do many. I spoke about how money does not bring happiness but the lack there of for basic needs brings turmoil. To ask to have enough to pay your bills and put food in the fridge isn’t that much to ask, yet there are people like myself who work hard and struggle with this, there are people who have no home, food or bills and there are people who will never know what it feels like.
There are so many other things happening in life now, all of which are chaotic, strenuous, testing and again I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
For the first time in a while, “I Don’t Care”. I care about my loved ones of course, but with life it makes me anxious because Not Caring is a terrifying feeling. It’s not the Fuck Her/Him I Don’t Care what they say, I Don’t Care what people think, I Don’t Care I’m late for work etc.
It’s I Don’t Care if I live or die, I don’t care to shower, I don’t care to eat, I don’t care to drink fluids, I don’t care about sleeping, when you do you don’t care about waking up and the list goes on.
People dream about the day when they will not care, but that’s about how they feel about themselves and about what others think. It’s not about not caring about your own well-being. I hope none of you have to feel this over and over again. To those that do I salute you in your strength and bravery because this isn’t something your thought it’s something you live through and learn from.
Now more then ever I feel as though I need help. I’m drowning and I’m affecting people as this happens. Something I do not want to do to anyone. So yes suicidal thoughts creep in and creep back out, how it would be better for them if I was gone, how this pain I feel would be gone, my problems all solved. Mine not theirs, I would create a new hell on earth for my loved ones if I made this choice.
They do usually leave me in peace after a while, but lately they won’t leave. I’m trying to tell them their not welcome but they are either after falling deaf or my voice has no power over them right now. I think I’m missing the conviction behind my demand.
Life throws us all curve balls and up hill climbs. I wish they would move on from me and my family. Enough is enough I’ve proved resilience, strength we all have.
This event has severely triggered my anxiety riddled head and body, dark thoughts, emotions, insomnia, lack of eating, drinking (water) and on. I usually try everything I can to deplete these feelings and thoughts, this time if I try it’s without my full heart or I just don’t see the pint. I was just grasping what was going on in life to my family. Trying to find some meaning or a just cause behind it and then this.
I know it sounds like I rented a violin, but I didn’t this is just really a fraction of what I am feeling.
If life is this painful, I know of course It’s painful but if it’s continuously like this then I do not know where I’ll find enough life jackets to keep me afloat because I’m exhausted.