Lets start slow because It’s a heavy subject but let’s talk about it, Rape.
The word is like nails to a chalkboard to me.
I’m really struggling lately, hence the absence. Alot going on in life, same as most people, and I’ve been triggered once again., I tried to ignore it and pretend it will pass. However as usual I’ve let it get to the point where I can barely function.
I don’t think it’s something we get over, we hide, try to forget push it away but it’s always there. I have ran for 7 years now, away from trying to face it head on. I’m tired and it seems to be just gaining more momentum. I’ve been dealing with the other aspects of my illness but this makes me sick to think about and I have not yet developed the tools to do so.
I’m terrified to go back to counselling and start the process, but the triggers are every few hours lately, so intense that I’m back to thinking this will be my entire existence. Que the intense side affects. Looking over my shoulder, suffering with depression, chronic anxiety, insomnia, mood swings, tears and more tears, not being able to eat. nightmares the list goes on and one. Somedays I can’t leave my own home, the panic overcomes me like a swarm of bees. The days were I have to go to work and try and function, are sometimes the only ones that get me out of my house. Instead living the life of a victim some may say, I am trying to function.
But I’m not a victim none of us are. We are amazing resilient humans who survived and even though we got dealt with so many of lives negative hands. I do believe our day will come. This will all be worth it. The smiles that we plaster on our faces daily will soon be real. One day we will get through the day without looking over our shoulder, without having a flashback caused by a normal mundane daily task.
To the attackers who still roam the streets, to the ones we still see, to the ones re offending your day will come too. Justice may not be on our side right not but Karma is a bitch. You will not live out your days happily while we suffer and try rebuild the part of us you stole and throw away into the bin without a second thought, like it was nothing. That’s because to you it was nothing.
We cannot get that exact part back. Never, you took it forever. All we can do is fill the other gaps in our soul and hope we can live with the you shaped gap in there. Fill it up so much that you no longer can be seen or heard.
We may not feel as though we are living right now but we will get there.
I have so much to say on this but I’m keeping it short for now.
Survivors please reach out to a parent, a friend, a teacher, a relative or even me.
You are not your assault, you are you.
We can and Will do this, I promise ❤