At The Edge

So another Doctor change, another change in my “support team”. This injustice and disgusting treatment was witnessed by my mother and change was requested by her. She’s right, this team & the past teams I’ve had around me have been nothing but stress inducing situations when there meant to be the opposite. My nurse who’s meant to be my rock, number one I don’t even speak to, well won’t speak to me. I rang her today and was told not to ring the mobile number, the landline instead,24 hour support on the landline?Lucky to even get through, oh ya even though that’s what I was given on a card by her. She doesn’t answer my texts, or sometimes my calls. My friends nurse calls over for tea and keeps and eye on her and helps her with what she needs help with. I was promised that too, I’ve been promised a lot. I know your not meant to hold your hopes on other’s promises but these were from medical professions. That I thought I could trust I now realize they are faulted humans just like us “scum patients”, maybe even worse. I’ve been seeing a mix of professionals for 11 years in the system, longer outside, you start to think, they have to be nearly there, this doctor will surely help me and not fight me, this medical profession is going to put my mental health first and not their lunch break, they will put me on the referred list and not forget again, they will get my prescription correct and I don’t have to go back to correct it, I won’t leave in a near panic attack I could go on forever. But don’t think any of that. Maybe you’ll be lucky like my friend and get an amazing supportive team. It doesn’t cure her illness but helps her on her path to living a normal life and not doing anything silly in the one she’s in now. Which is amazing and what we strive for. In my opinion this is rare, from my own experience and many people I know.

You can’t be too ill? No. Surely, they can’t not help, this can’t be it?
I’ve had to fight this illness, many situations in my life and the medical system relentlessly to begin and I’m tired. I’m so tired if proving myself, of been pushed to attacks to be believed because I managed to look human and act human for my appointment. This isn’t what they want. You “look fine then”!!!!
I know people that take all their meds before an appointment go in looking scruffy because based on your look you won’t be taken seriously. God Forbid you can make yourself function when you have to be in public. For others benefit not your own.

I don’t think this is going to change, I think this is my life, not in a wah wah way but for some reason the medical model hates me or I hate it. I can’t explain what I’ve experienced with them, they could loose their jobs. The most I’ll get though, an apology and that’s at most. Fixes it all, why thank you, you condescending, contradictory, selfish, lying, hmm let’s stop before I get carried away!

I’ve been at the edge plenty times before and jumped a few but was caught, this time I’m at the edge again, yes loved ones would try catch me but do I want to be caught? I really don’t know in this moment.

#mentalhealth #thinkingoutloud #cryforhelpmaybe #hse #fuckthehse #medicalmodel #deepthoughts #helpme #wordpress #femaleblogger #mentalhealthblogger #newbie #blog #lifestyle

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You Gotta be Rich To Get Fixed!

 

So was at the Head Doctor =P again. Fuck it went well. Ha not. Took a few days to recover.
The appointments are ridiculous your spoken to as if you are a child or your stupid. They just are prescription pad happy but don’t listen to what their patient actually needs.

I said this to her I don’t tend to hold back but I rarely get very angry as I know it’s not all their fault, the system that is, it’s just they could try harder yno? In my experience none have mine have so much as read my files properly.

They send you home worse then you went in to be doped up again with new meds that will affect nearly every aspect of your life if your lucky like me and receive the side effects =). You’ll still have to manage you daily life, with your crippling illness and now these side effects. ” But It’s Only For A Few Weeks”.

Every time I go there anyway I leave feeling worse. Unheard, hopeless and lost. I’ve gone through so many treatments and this is my final stop in the medical model besides being admitted to the ward. Which the one that we have here you come out worse then when you went in. The good ones are up the country and cost serious money! After 11 years they still can’t help me. How soul crushing is that? 11 years! I have attended appointments, counselling everything they ask but I’m still none the wiser and neither are they.

Going to the chemist then I’m treated like a junkie cause of the medication I’m prescribed. I’m a high risk patient with some extreme medication. It’s so embarrassing every time I have to prove I’m sick almost because I don’t look it. While others waltz in and out without a query and I know their getting prescribed “drugs”. I’m sick of it I was told once again I look fine too by the doctor before that. “Looking at you here now you seem great” Wait What?!?!

Do you realize how hard it was for me to get up, shower, get dressed, change, do my face, feed my animals, nevermind feeding yourself your sick with anxiety, leave the house even get that door open like, drive in, go into a public waiting room with strangers and wait and hour and a half for 5 minutes of chat from my “Doctor”.
I said “What? Just because I look okay I must be okay is it? That’s bullshit, how am I meant to look?” “If I go break my arm I’ll be given whatever I need no questions asked”.
Visible illness oh how It’s different to invisible illness.

My mother even came with me because she’s been on this journey with me and wanted to attend, which I was glad of being honest, she wants me out and I think she’s right. She came to prove I’m not some junkie or some perfect fixed patient. The doctor drove me to a near panic attack like thankfully my mom was there.

They diagnosed me after testing me like some experiment and sending me on my way with this new label and new meds. I’ve been suffering for as long as I can remember and just because I learned how to hide my feelings I’m not ill? Because I like so many more can paint the smile on till the day ends we should be punished? Because even though It’s near impossible we go to work we should be punished? No! No! No!

How fucked up is this country? I actually have had Doctors LIE, LIE about results, meds and other things. You’d be lucky to get an apology and they still get to “help” others then too. They fuck us up more, labels, med swapping etc. Must I prove my Illness by showing up how I actually feel? and go in all doped up take all my meds and be a zombie before my appointment?

I am a functional Patient. With chronic illness’, you tell me why that makes me less entitled for help cause I don’t get that.

I think I have to go another way. I just don’t know what way that is, I just know been in this system isn’t working and hasn’t been for a long time. I believe in the medical model to a certain extent. I would rather go alternative but that means money alot of the time which right now isn’t something that’s hanging around! =P

#gottaberichtobefixed #hse #corruption #hsecorruption #ireland #mentalhealth #labels #fuckedup #sickofit #femalebloggers #meds ‘meltdowns #strength #somethingsgottachange

We Still Live In The Past, Women’s Rights? Women’s What?

I need to be concentrating on how to be thrifty and smart and make some extra dosh to survive but instead I’m wrecked by my Illness and all that’s going on around me.

It really does all happen at once, the rain has been pouring for a while on my family and I and I just hope we are due sunshine soon. If these life challenges were to prove resilience I think we passed. We good now thank you!

I’m not sitting waiting on life justice but I just hope the tides turn. It got me thinking about the injustice some of us have experience in our lives. So many, some that cost lives.

You can get stuck on them and think it’s not fair it could have been so different. But that could be the cause for many situations.

What’s sticking in my head is the corruption in the hospital & legal system in an area ( not taking away from the amazing doctors, nurses etc that work their ass off for us). It comes from a higher power, and women’s injustice. Especially in sexual attacks.

Not much has changed in the last few decades. Yes we can report and look for justice in the legal system but it ends up with more trauma, court, invasive evidence and been treated like the criminal not the survivor. By the legal system, friends, family strangers, “What were you wearing?” “Were you drunk?” “Did you lead him on?” “You liked him though?” “He’s a catch you should be delighted!” “Was it unwanted though?” “Did you say no?”. Of course I said No! Even if I was drunk naked on the floor it gives no right for a man to decide I want to have sex with them! That is and always will be my choice. The situations that these happen under are so much more in depth and traumatizing then you could imagine so please don’t brush it off as if it was a bad date for the person.

Some people have to see their attackers in real life regularly, some see them every time they close their eyes. I don’t know what happens for the attackers but for you, the survivor, you lose a piece of yourself, a piece that you’ll never get back. You react to this in so many different ways and that’s okay. None of us have been trained in how to deal with this kind of situation emotionally, neither have the people around us and that’s hard to remember sometimes.

Let me just say, Survivors & Fighters, Not Victims. We may not receive legal justice but we will fight until someday we do.

#womensrights #sexualattack #blogger #fighter #survivor #notavictim #corruptjusticesystem

How Do I Get Back Up This Time?

Back at the beginning again. With the feelings, thoughts and emotions that I finally had some control over, or so I thought.

No I’ll never be cured. But I thought I was finding my triggers catching myself before I fall. This time I’ve fallen hard. So hard I don’t know how to get back up. So much has happened I’m growing older as are the people around me I’m faced with the same as everyone’s daily problems with some extras plus this illness that trys to consume me every chance it gets.

I know everyday is a success but I can’t help feel the more I try the more I fail. Am I destined to live like this? To cause this chaos to those I love? To make them feel as I don’t care when in relaity I can’t even get dressed. So many questions. No answers.

Not from me, family, relatives,friends,professional. What next? What now? Back to the beginning again. When in life will I get to build on and not start from scratch because this illness has won this round again. You work and work and where do you get, suffering, pain , sorrow “character building situations” yeah we’re done in my family with them thank you! Enough character is one of our left pinky to put on a one man show!

Nearly 12 years in this system and I am none the better. I am taking it into my own hands now and I’m gonna put my violin away. I have people in my side but what my possibilities are I do not know, I don’t know how this is gonna turn out but it has to be better then this.

I just know everyday I’m here I’m winning against my demons. I just hope I am strong enough to keep fighting them because I’m starting to feel weak. 

 

#mentalillness #wordpress #blogger #questions #thoughtoftheweek #scared #keepfighting #wehavetosaveeachother

The Smell Of Corruption In The Air

The day’s are full of Dread and Anxiety. The nights are getting longer. Sleep is becoming non existent and the racing thoughts seem to be filling their tanks up every few minutes just to be sure to never miss a lap.

For the first time in a long time I fell as though I may be loosing control.

The system I am in could not be more corrupt and dysfunctional. If anything they have contributed to many people I know and my own mental health regression. The options here are slim to none unfortunately. Which just adds to the hopelessness.

It’s a viscous circle with the professionals that are meant to be helping you. What do you do when your ray of hope is nothing but a fake? Another empty promise, another new doctor, prescription etc. Pawn and ship you off because they do not know how to handle it. Your “above their pay grade”. You should be able to handle your job, if you can’t it’s not for you. But there is blood on your hands with your negligence. That my dear old friends will never leave you just like our illness’ will never leave us.

Step in our shoes for a day and then come back and tell us to “plough through” “eat an apple” or if “going for a walk” helped you. You tell me how you would feel to be left alone for another 8-12 weeks with a new medication that makes you feel even worse. That gives you physical and mental symptoms that are unbearable and you still have to go to work, live your life, try to function.

I don’t underestimate for a second how hard the job must be but it does not make the excuse of us not being treated as individual humans with valid thoughts, fears and issues.

I have the hospital in a day, the doctor who is meant to help, The 3rd one this year alone. I do not feel hope that he can help. I feel dread that again I will be screamed at because I must be doing something wrong because how after all this time can I not be better yet?

Maybe look in the mirror and ask yourself that. No one would choose this life.

#mentalhealth #hse #system #corruption #fuckthesystem #doctors #frauds #emptypromises #meds

Mwah Mua

Plaster that face, put on the fake tan.
Your nearly ready for a man.
Lashes, extensions contouring too.

I look fierce, but I cannot move.
All the girls keep looking, but my dress is too tight for me.
Pretend to have fun, while making sure everything stays right.
Tits, Lips, Ass, Belly, Flab. Suck it in stick it out,
Ready for any photo op.

You Say: “Your Jealous Get over it, Grow up!”.
“I’ll wear the crown soon and be the true queen bee”.
That’s truer for you then it is for me.

But this isn’t you?
Under all this i know your still there, the person that cared.
We miss you. Come back. Please don’t keep that pack.
It will not last forever, neither will your looks.
Ensure your happy with the reflection in the photo that you took.

#mua #clique #looks #skindeep #saveyourself #truth #nodrama #makeupdrama #nodramagirls

The Unanswered

Since the day you are born your told what to do or gestured towards the right direction if your lucky. What to eat, when to go to bed, when to get up It’s scheduled for you almost (or attempted to be).

As we grow we learn things the hard way, our own way. We go through life lessons our loved ones would take away from us in a second but It’s part of growing up. You grow as a person it develops you on so many levels in your being. Some get away lucky with a few scratches, some aren’t so lucky. They emerge with war wounds so deep you wonder how they got up and fought again and made it back. It doesn’t matter if you listened to the direction given or not, Life happens Shit happens. It’s hard and I don’t think it gets easier. We just learn how to cope and handle situations better.

I thought I was past some of the scariest things in my life, but something I never thought would scare me is terrifying me, My questions about my future, this crossroads. I always had dreams and ambitions, I’ve worked hard as long as I can remember, I’ve been independent and would strive for more but it feels like I’m getting nowhere. Courses, new jobs, higher titles but never the pay. Now money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure helps! Love Isn’t gonna keep the roof over my head. 

I’ve hit that point where you question everything and I guess the  “finding yourself” begins. What if you don’t have the luxury of taking that “Gap Year”, to leave our jobs? All these questions I thought would never bother me, Where are you going tobuy a house? How are you going to? When are you having kids? Will you marry? Will you follow your dreams? Will you end up settling? Will you die before you’ve made your mark?

#crossroads #careers #lifestyle #questions #whatdoyouthink #ambitions #fears #unknownfear

Finding Perspective

My mind has been consumed by so many things that have been going on. Things that felt like the end of the world. I’ve been down, riddled with Anxiety, not sleeping or eating. Then illness started to meet my family once again. Everything was put into perspective.

These worries that revolve around money mean nothing. Yes you need money to survive, wouldn’t it be great to survive on air, but you also have to do what you want with your life because it is so short and unexpected. Not one minute is guaranteed. Yeah you might have to work that shitty job for a bit or put up with noodles for dinner for a month but know your goal and that It’s for your future, for a short time not a long time because It won’t be handed to you. Now is the moment.

I look and I think these people are invincible because they have been strong for so long. But it hit me hard today, their not. They are human just like you or I.
It made me think about everything, the worries, the plans, the now, the future, the past.
Spiraling to say the least.

A candle lights for each of them every night and I know they will get through this.
Just know I love ye all with every beat of my heart and we would take this from ye if we could ❤

#lifeisshort #noguarantee #illness #perspective #life #thoughtoftheday

Thought Of The Night

It’s 5.11am right now with no sign of sleep in sight. All day I have been on edge, sleepy, cranky, anxious, down and the rest. I don’t know if the thoughts I’m having right now are brilliant or insane because I’m sleep deprived. Do your best thoughts come to you on these nights? The nights were the demons are sleeping but the Sandman forgot to visit you.
It got me thinking about this blog. How no matter if 1 person see’s it, I’m sharing personal things. It made my stomach flip. I then realized this is a safe outlet. Where we are all sharing something. A form of therapy for some, maybe me.

I look at other pieces and the literature is amazing. The opinions are so well put across.
Images are created so vivid in your mind. I hope one day I can write like that. Practice makes perfect, and if my genre is mental health then I need not compare myself to others and do me. They cover over topics/issues you cover what you need to.

This is a bit of a rant, maybe after 5am wordpress should be off limits =P

#rant #sharing #blogger #learning #genre #worried

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