My mind has been consumed by so many things that have been going on. Things that felt like the end of the world. I’ve been down, riddled with Anxiety, not sleeping or eating. Then illness started to meet my family once again. Everything was put into perspective.
These worries that revolve around money mean nothing. Yes you need money to survive, wouldn’t it be great to survive on air, but you also have to do what you want with your life because it is so short and unexpected. Not one minute is guaranteed. Yeah you might have to work that shitty job for a bit or put up with noodles for dinner for a month but know your goal and that It’s for your future, for a short time not a long time because It won’t be handed to you. Now is the moment.
I look and I think these people are invincible because they have been strong for so long. But it hit me hard today, their not. They are human just like you or I.
It made me think about everything, the worries, the plans, the now, the future, the past.
Spiraling to say the least.
A candle lights for each of them every night and I know they will get through this.
Just know I love ye all with every beat of my heart and we would take this from ye if we could ❤
#lifeisshort #noguarantee #illness #perspective #life #thoughtoftheday
It’s 5.11am right now with no sign of sleep in sight. All day I have been on edge, sleepy, cranky, anxious, down and the rest. I don’t know if the thoughts I’m having right now are brilliant or insane because I’m sleep deprived. Do your best thoughts come to you on these nights? The nights were the demons are sleeping but the Sandman forgot to visit you.
It got me thinking about this blog. How no matter if 1 person see’s it, I’m sharing personal things. It made my stomach flip. I then realized this is a safe outlet. Where we are all sharing something. A form of therapy for some, maybe me.
I look at other pieces and the literature is amazing. The opinions are so well put across.
Images are created so vivid in your mind. I hope one day I can write like that. Practice makes perfect, and if my genre is mental health then I need not compare myself to others and do me. They cover over topics/issues you cover what you need to.
This is a bit of a rant, maybe after 5am wordpress should be off limits =P
#rant #sharing #blogger #learning #genre #worried
Are you in or are you out?
Are you gonna be the friend I’ve been to you?
Or am fighting this without you?
Why can’t you try to understand my pain?
Why can’t you understand I’m crying out in vain?
You know this feeling yourself, so I can’t understand why your sitting on the fence.
Your not here,
Because “I’m strong enough”?
I should be a pro by now I’m at it “long enough”.
I’m sick of that excuse.
It serves absolutely no use.
I held your hand when this happened to you.
Knocked it from your hands and held you in mine.
Now your gone. No where to be seen.
I don’t know if your in or out.
Writing this I’m going with out.
Naive or hope I do not know.
I hold on hoping someday I’ll know.
#bestfriends #thetruth #strongerthanyou #lettinggo #mentalhealth #lifelessons #truefriends
I’m running again. Running away from the demons that try to live inside my head. I’m tired, drained to be precise, I feel like giving up. But I look back and I see far I have run, I keep going and try find shelter for the night. I come across a safe space in my mind at about 5am as the light of a new day is already creeping in. I lay my head down. They catch up with me. My head is racing, I’m scared but I fight them off and fall asleep at last.
A few hours pass and I awake feeling as though I have not closed my eyes at all. Another day, another battle with these guys. Today I decide not to run. I get up, wipe myself off and face them head on. A few hours pass and I am mentally and physically ready to give up, but I don’t. And after a while of not giving them the attention they need to survive, they leave, for now.
I take a nap to reboot my system and wake up in the middle of the night. I’ve missed another day.
I thought I was fighting my demons today but I feel as though I have failed again. Why didn’t I go outside? Why didn’t I answer that phone call? I start beating myself up, they return.
Please go away, please. I have been fighting this battle for as long as I can remember. I should be a Pro by now but they still find my weak spots and try creep in. Another night of running ahead. Will tomorrow be the same? I hope not. I’ve lost so much to this. I feel like I’ve had to start from scratch so many times.
Then I take a second to actually look around. Yes I’ve lost things but some of the things I’ve lost were for the better. One thing about fighting this battle is you find out who is there for you, through thick and thin through the absolute worst of times. If it has shown me anything it has shown me who I can count on and for that I am eternally grateful.
To the people who fight by my side and stand tall and strong for me when I can’t, I need you to know how grateful I am. Without you I would not be here. Ye are my reason for going on. You all have shown me unconditional love, empathy and given me the strength to get through the days I thought I couldn’t. I love you with all my heart.
The demons don’t seem so scary right now so here I go to find that safe place in my mind again.
It will always be near impossible to explain Anxiety to an individual who does not experience it. Lately however I have been toying with a simple analogy.
We’ve all woken up after a night of drinking with, ‘The Fear’ right?
When you want to move country, go back in time, disappear because WHAT?!?! did you do/say last night?
Your hungry but you can’t eat.
Your thirsty but you can’t drink.
You want to shower & change but you can’t get up.
Your tired but you can’t sleep.
Your sad but you can’t cry so you end up crying when your not ‘meant’ to.
Your lonely but you won’t reach out to anyone.
Your frustrated but you won’t speak out.
Your paranoid but you’ve done nothing wrong.
Your scared but there is nothing to be scared of.
You are consumed with guilt & shame for no reason.
The list is endless, you get the point.
Now multiply this by about 50, everyday without drink, with drink off the charts, forget about it.
Imagine having the worst ‘Fear’ you have ever had every day even for just a week.
That’s what we live with everyday and will live with forever.
There is no magic cure just self management and awareness.
So next time before you tell us whats freaking us out is trivial, silly or never going to happen.
Put yourself in the middle of your worst fear for a second, just one second.
Maybe then you might understand just that bit more what we need, because Honey we know we are crazy at times and we don’t need to be reminded of that =P
Your strong. You can handle this. You’ve been here before.
Even the strong become weak.
Battles wear you down. Age you, steal you, hide you away.
I’ll Always be there for you.
Will you be though? Even for the worst of the worst days?
You don’t look sick! You must me doing great!
Glad you like my make up. It’s a panic attack and a dosage of medication later.
I’m a professional. Paint that face, smile for the crowd, wipe those tears away.
Hide that darkness that lies so deep within until your alone at night and the dark creeps back in.
Do you think that’s gonna help?
No properly not. But if I can escape this hell for just one day then I will.
You would too if you were battling this long, with more questions than answers everyday.
But what’s the problem?
Your ignorance is.
Don’t talk or preach to me about something you do not live with.
The root of all this evil is ignorance. In a generation, where it’s a choice not a valid excuse.
Terrified, it doesn’t come close to how I feel. These labels I must wear, wear me somedays.
They’ve worn me down. To someone I don’t know anymore. Will I ever meet that girl again?
I really hope so.
You took a piece of me, a piece that I will never get back.
You’ve forgotten about me,
But I will never forget you and that night
I should have gotten you locked up and thrown away the key, so the only damage done would have been to me. Your still out there roaming free, not a chip on your shoulder about what you’ve done to me.
Young, stupid & so naive.
I knew it all. I had the bark & the bite, or so I thought.
But I didn’t know a thing.
What you tore from me will never return. I live my life with this memory to burn, with the regrets that urn.
Why didn’t I listen to momma? Why do I want to learn these lessons “my way”, the “hard way” Well I’ll tell you something, the hard way stops you from making that mistake again. There’s only so much of you that can be taken away until your nothing but a small glimmering light of yourself.
Stop before that happens. You are the light.