At The Edge

So another Doctor change, another change in my “support team”. This injustice and disgusting treatment was witnessed by my mother and change was requested by her. She’s right, this team & the past teams I’ve had around me have been nothing but stress inducing situations when there meant to be the opposite. My nurse who’s meant to be my rock, number one I don’t even speak to, well won’t speak to me. I rang her today and was told not to ring the mobile number, the landline instead,24 hour support on the landline?Lucky to even get through, oh ya even though that’s what I was given on a card by her. She doesn’t answer my texts, or sometimes my calls. My friends nurse calls over for tea and keeps and eye on her and helps her with what she needs help with. I was promised that too, I’ve been promised a lot. I know your not meant to hold your hopes on other’s promises but these were from medical professions. That I thought I could trust I now realize they are faulted humans just like us “scum patients”, maybe even worse. I’ve been seeing a mix of professionals for 11 years in the system, longer outside, you start to think, they have to be nearly there, this doctor will surely help me and not fight me, this medical profession is going to put my mental health first and not their lunch break, they will put me on the referred list and not forget again, they will get my prescription correct and I don’t have to go back to correct it, I won’t leave in a near panic attack I could go on forever. But don’t think any of that. Maybe you’ll be lucky like my friend and get an amazing supportive team. It doesn’t cure her illness but helps her on her path to living a normal life and not doing anything silly in the one she’s in now. Which is amazing and what we strive for. In my opinion this is rare, from my own experience and many people I know.

You can’t be too ill? No. Surely, they can’t not help, this can’t be it?
I’ve had to fight this illness, many situations in my life and the medical system relentlessly to begin and I’m tired. I’m so tired if proving myself, of been pushed to attacks to be believed because I managed to look human and act human for my appointment. This isn’t what they want. You “look fine then”!!!!
I know people that take all their meds before an appointment go in looking scruffy because based on your look you won’t be taken seriously. God Forbid you can make yourself function when you have to be in public. For others benefit not your own.

I don’t think this is going to change, I think this is my life, not in a wah wah way but for some reason the medical model hates me or I hate it. I can’t explain what I’ve experienced with them, they could loose their jobs. The most I’ll get though, an apology and that’s at most. Fixes it all, why thank you, you condescending, contradictory, selfish, lying, hmm let’s stop before I get carried away!

I’ve been at the edge plenty times before and jumped a few but was caught, this time I’m at the edge again, yes loved ones would try catch me but do I want to be caught? I really don’t know in this moment.


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