How Do I Get Back Up This Time?

Back at the beginning again. With the feelings, thoughts and emotions that I finally had some control over, or so I thought.

No I’ll never be cured. But I thought I was finding my triggers catching myself before I fall. This time I’ve fallen hard. So hard I don’t know how to get back up. So much has happened I’m growing older as are the people around me I’m faced with the same as everyone’s daily problems with some extras plus this illness that tries to consume me every chance it gets.

I know everyday is a success but I can’t help feel the more I try the more I fail. Am I destined to live like this? To cause this chaos to those I love? To make them feel as I don’t care when in reality I can’t even get dressed. So many questions. No answers.

Not from me, family, relatives,friends,professional. What next? What now? Back to the beginning again. When in life will I get to build on and not start from scratch because this illness has won this round again. You work and work and where do you get, suffering, pain , sorrow “character building situations” yeah we’re done in my family with them thank you!

Nearly 12 years in this system and I am none the better. I am taking it into my own hands now and I’m gonna put my violin away. I have people in my side but what my possibilities are I do not know, I don’t know how this is gonna turn out but it has to be better then this.

I just know everyday I’m here I’m winning against my demons. I just hope I am strong enough to keep fighting them because I’m starting to feel weak. 



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