The day’s are full of Dread and Anxiety. The nights are getting longer. Sleep is becoming non existent and the racing thoughts seem to be filling their tanks up every few minutes just to be sure to never miss a lap.
For the first time in a long time I fell as though I may be loosing control.
The system I am in could not be more corrupt and dysfunctional. If anything they have contributed to many people I know and my own mental health regression. The options here are slim to none unfortunately. Which just adds to the hopelessness.
It’s a viscous circle with the professionals that are meant to be helping you. What do you do when your ray of hope is nothing but a fake? Another empty promise, another new doctor, prescription etc. Pawn and ship you off because they do not know how to handle it. Your “above their pay grade”. You should be able to handle your job, if you can’t it’s not for you. But there is blood on your hands with your negligence. That my dear old friends will never leave you just like our illness’ will never leave us.
Step in our shoes for a day and then come back and tell us to “plough through” “eat an apple” or if “going for a walk” helped you. You tell me how you would feel to be left alone for another 8-12 weeks with a new medication that makes you feel even worse. That gives you physical and mental symptoms that are unbearable and you still have to go to work, live your life, try to function.
I don’t underestimate for a second how hard the job must be but it does not make the excuse of us not being treated as individual humans with valid thoughts, fears and issues.
I have the hospital in a day, the doctor who is meant to help, The 3rd one this year alone. I do not feel hope that he can help. I feel dread that again I will be screamed at because I must be doing something wrong because how after all this time can I not be better yet?
Maybe look in the mirror and ask yourself that. No one would choose this life.