I’m running again. Running away from the demons that try to live inside my head. I’m tired, drained to be more accurate, I feel like giving in.
I stop myself from falling into a trap, as I know there is no easy way out. I look back and I see how far I have run, I can’t stop now.
I keep going. I try to find shelter for the night. I come across a safe space in my mind.
They haven’t followed me. It’s about 5am as the light of a new day is already creeping in on me, I lay my head down.
Before I know it, they’ve found me. My head is racing. my heart is in my throat , I’m scared but I continue to fight them off and fall asleep at last from exhaustion.
A few hours pass and I awake feeling as though I have not closed my eyes at all. Another day, another battle with these guys. Today I decide not to run. I get up, wipe myself off and face them head on. A few hours pass and I am mentally and physically ready to give up, but I don’t. And after a while of not giving them the attention they need to survive, they leave, for now.
I take a nap to reboot my system and wake up in the middle of the night. I’ve missed another day.
I thought I was fighting my demons today but I feel as though I have failed again. Why didn’t I go outside? Why didn’t I answer that phone call? I start beating myself up,”Put the stick away” advice is screaming at me in my head, but it too late they’ve returned.
Please go away, please. It’s not often I beg but I am so drained. I have been fighting this battle for as long as I can remember. I should be a Pro by now but they still find my weak spots and try creep in. Another night of running ahead. Will tomorrow be the same? I hope not. I’ve lost so much to this. I feel like I’ve had to start from scratch so many times.
Sometimes I catch myself, stop the spiraling and then I take a second to actually look around. Yes I’ve lost things but some of the things I’ve lost were for the better. One thing about fighting this battle is you find out who is there for you, through thick and thin through the absolute worst of times. If it has shown me anything it has shown me who I can count on and for that I am eternally grateful.
To the people who fight by my side and stand tall and strong for me when I can’t, I need you to know how grateful I am. Without you I would not be here. Ye are my reason for going on. You all have shown me unconditional love, empathy and given me the strength to get through the days I thought I couldn’t. I love you with all my heart.
We are in this fight together and I will be stronf and fight for you when you can’t. Together we are stronger.
The demons don’t seem so scary right now so here I go to find that safe place in my mind again and try and get some rest.